Only words

I've been so overwhelmed with finishing this literature review section for my final paper, and yet, now I'm done. I woke up around 9 o'clock each morning and worked on it until around 2, when I would finally decide it was time to shower before work or for when Zach came home so he could finally get me out of the apartment. I now have to work on finding mothers in my area who have given birth at home, then next semester I will be interviewing, transcribing, etc. etc. It's so insane to think that I will be a graduate of college come this May. No one in my family has ever graduated college, nor has any of my extended family on my father's side. At least not that I can think of, and so this is a great feat for me. As I finish this semester, I'm so ecstatic, and yet last night my 17-year-old brother became a father. The mother is very young, as well, and they aren't together, which is best in this case. And now there is a little baby... it makes me sad because I know I won't be able to see her like I see my other niece, Evelyn, who is only a year older and lives in South Carolina. It scares me, to think about how I could treat these two girls differently as they grow up. It angers me so much that she could be kept from me, even though I already love her so much without meeting her. The mother and her family are somewhat not very "stable" and my brother has had issues with her this entire pregnancy. My mother sent me a picture of him holding her last night and I just started crying. He is 17 now, but when we were younger we were the closest of siblings. We did everything together, from playing school and house, to getting yelled at for hitting the wall in between bedrooms as we communicated with one another at night. We slowly grew apart as I left for college and my parents were separating, though I tried to stay connected, he was getting older and "more mature" and I was his older sister who he couldn't talk to about the issues he was going through. I hate that my father isn't the father he should be, and that we all have had to suffer for it, especially Benj; that there are thousands of children who would give anything to have a father and ours is here, and yet not here at all. Benj has been through so much and is still such a sweet person, I wish I could be around more to help him. He will have a two week Christmas break, and I hope that he can come and stay with us for a few days. He is supposed to be joining the marines once he graduates, and I want to spend as much time together as possible.
We only get one chance to live our life, and only one family, and so there it is. You deal with it and handle it and feel all the emotions that come with it.